This past weekend I attended my friend’s wedding shower. For the purposes of this story, I will call her the Vegan Princess Bride (because she is a vegan–having a vegan wedding in fact–and unusually obsessed with Disney Princesses). The theme of Vegan Princess Bride’s wedding shower was “All the Times of Our Lives.” The invitation stated that our duties as guests were to fill the newlyweds’ home with presents that represented every hour of the day. Hence, every guest was assigned a time of day (e.g. 7 A.M., midnight) and your gift was supposed to correspond with the time assigned (e.g. breakfast ware, lingerie, etc.).
My assigned hour? 3 P.M. What the hell can you buy a person that represents 3 P.M.? An after-school special?
Yes! You can buy them an after-school special! Well, sort of…
I decided to theme Vegan Princess Bride’s present after all those wonderful lessons I learned so diligently after school. So here is a summary of Vegan Princess Bride’s gift:
1.) A subscription to Netflix so the happy couple could catch up on all the afterschool specials they might need for themselves (or future kids, wink, wink)
2.) A plethora of magazines which included a Northern Virginia guide to high schools, Natural Cat (a special edition of Cat Fancy), and a DIY magazine.
3.) Chocolate for lesson #1: Girlfriend, You are beautiful! To represent all those lack of self-confidence/eating disorder movies.
4.) Alcohol for lesson #2: You can’t drink away your problems! For this, I included by nips of tequila, rum, vodka, and whiskey.
5.) Of course, no afterschool special gift would be complete without the enormously important lesson #3: Use protection!, which of course condoms must represent.
I was in a rush to buy condoms while at Safeway. Not So Sexy Boyfriend had already gone through the line and was waiting impatiently in the humidity while the candy aisle distracted me. So I headed for the cashier straight ahead of me without looking to see whom the cashier was. But it shouldn’t matter right? I shouldn’t have anything to be embarrassed about. I’m 25—in fact, many people would say I was a responsible 25 year-old (even though others might call me something else…).
But alas, who was there to wait on me? A 14 year-old boy. And he was indeed the youngest 14 year-old boy I’d ever seen. (Some of you are probably saying, why would a 14 year-old boy be working? I do believe in Virginia, with a permit, 14 year-olds can indeed work certain jobs—including as cashiers at Safeway).
Despite my red face, I bought my Thintensity condoms, doing my best all the while to not make eye contact with the young man I was exposing to the world’s evils. As I was swiping my card, he asked me my last name, which in my haze of embarrassment, I thought was for checkout purposes. However, after I exited the store, I realized it was not needed for anything, and that this kid was probably going to start stalking me on Facebook.
Eventually my face cooled, and this past Sunday afternoon after consuming numerous vegan cucumber sandwiches, my after school-themed gift heralded a few laughs.
So all this taught me an important after school special lesson of my own—Remember kids, when buying those condoms, always check out your checkout person.